I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
