i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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