Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
