dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
