I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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