I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
