Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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