yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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