You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
