he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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