o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just cropdusted the office
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I could fuck to npr.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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