I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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