Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
