No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
