He is such a slut. More and more my type.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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