The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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