Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
