I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
