my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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