who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
