True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
