in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I intend to get homeless drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
