Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
