holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
