life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
