dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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