You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
