You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i drank out of a bidet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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