So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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