She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
