Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
