I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
