how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
