I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do vagina's smell?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
