alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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