Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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