My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
