I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
