I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
