the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Come see our sink grown plant.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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