I wish I could teleport
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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