wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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