the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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