I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
