It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
