your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
