the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
