Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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