Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
