i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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